


In My Darkness, Your Light Shines

by TheBeautifulLove



Category: K-pop, NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Blood is mentioned a lot, Falling In Love, Good and Evil, Kissing, M/M, Magic Auras, Magic Rituals, Magic-Users, Nightmares, Wizards, caring taeyong, doyoung/taeyong ambigious relationship, evil? doyoung, soft Kun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-16
Updated: 2018-09-28
Packaged: 2019-07-13 06:16:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16011998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheBeautifulLove/pseuds/TheBeautifulLove
Summary: ‘I’ve poisoned you.’ I spit out bitterly, starting to feel cold and empty again.He moves his hand from my hair to my cheek, stroking softly. 'You saved me.'





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> First NCT fanfic. Second part of this is coming soon.  
> I ship both my biases together, sue me haha
> 
> Hope you enjoy. Also, please appreciate Kun even though he didn't have a chance to show himself much yet. I love him already though <3

‘I hope you know what you’re doing Taeyong.’ I repeat for the last time. The older wizard runs a hand through his white as snow hair, tears pooling in his deer-like eyes and thin lips quivering slightly. 

‘You have to save him, no matter the consequences. I swore to protect him.’ He takes in a shaky breath, nodding his head as if to reassure himself. ‘I swore to protect them _all_.’ The tears are so close to spilling. 

I stare at him, understanding his emotions but unable to share them. Unable to cry for a single, insignificant soul like he can. It’s not in my nature; jet-black blood running through my veins, incapable of ever feeling compassion, kindness nor love. 

‘Letting him die is a better way to protect them. If I save him right now he’ll be changed. He’ll be poisoned with a drop of my blood and stray away from his bright path. He might not be strong enough to resist the pull of the darkness.’ I explain again, calm and stoic, stark contrast to the emotional, shaking form of the wizard before me. 

He leans against the wall tiredly, looking briefly to the door behind which a dying boy is laying amongst bed sheets as white as his sickly skin. Taeyong bites his lip and nods regardless. I know he won’t change his mind no matter what I tell him. He hasn’t changed one bit since I last saw him. 

He’s still the same kind, trusting, hopelessly believing in the power of goodness boy I’ve always known. His eyes are the same as of the child I saw at the school playground many years ago, picking dandelions for a friend who was sad when his parents left, leaving him alone with the unfamiliar pre-school teacher. 

Already back then, he felt different. His magic felt different from mine and although I didn’t understand why, I instinctively kept at a distance from him.

‘Doyoung, I’ve searched for you, almost lost the hope to ever find you in time and now you’re here and Kun’s barely breathing. I need you. Help me.’ His warm, now filled with worry brown eyes never leave my black as night ones. I swallow a lump in my throat. I can’t identify the emotion I’m feeling right now. It seems like my whole body is confused and my mind has no name for it, no matter how much I try to find it. ‘Save him.’ Taeyong has changed a lot in appearance and none in character. 

His mind is set for the better or for worse. I nod slowly, accepting what’s about to happen. ‘Did you prepare everything I asked for?’ 

‘All you need is already in the room.’ He gets a little closer to me then, opens his lips to speak but hesitates. 

His magic aura is surrounding him like the softest white tulle, following his every movement like a shadow. It’s clearly visible – the small diamonds shining above his head, little twinkling crystals like stars. ‘I know I’m asking for a lot. In fact, I didn’t expect you to agree to do this, so thank you. You’re doing something good, Doyoung.’ 

I stare at him and he holds my gaze.  _Doing something good._  I’m doing the very opposite of what I was born for. 

I begin to feel like I’m suffocating, being this long in his close presence. The scent radiating off his milky skin is overwhelming, his light magic smells too sweet. It’s almost sickly, the air between us thick like honey, making it hard to breathe. My cold, black magic is resisting against his warmth; it feels agitated and anxious being too close to its complete contrast, its biggest enemy. 

‘I’m not doing it for me, nor for you. I’m doing it for the sake of both our kinds even though we aren’t on friendly terms. My kind is hated for who we are. The news of a Dark Wizard saving a Light Healer will spread quick enough and maybe it will bring some peace to this land.’ 

‘And for that I’m eternally grateful.’ I tilt my head in interest. He’s matured over the years more than I first imagined. ‘I know your people are at war with mine but if… if by any chance it means anything to you – I never hated you.’ The tears in his eyes begin to disappear slowly, the tears he held back are making his eyes glassy like a calm lake glistening in the sun.

And it shouldn’t mean anything. A life spared or taken away doesn’t matter much, it’s trivial to me. Whether someone hates me or not should not matter either. Peace between our races is for the human’s sake only - so that they feel safe in their homes at night, knowing they’re protected; knowing they won’t be ambushed by what they see in my kind as pure evil. 

His thanks, his feelings towards me shouldn’t matter either but I feel something again and this time too I can’t recognise what it is. I’m pretty sure I’ve never felt an emotion like this before. I step back from his uncomfortable warmth, from his too bright light, taking a balancing breath in. 

Running away yet again as if we’re still those same children at that same old playground. 

‘We should not waste time. There is a life to save and it requires all my focus and concentration.’ I look to the brown wooden door, then glance back at his big eyes. 

The older wizard wakes up as if from a dream and collects himself, blinking a few times. ‘Yes, please begin.’ He leans back against the wall a bit further away from me and looks away, biting his lips nervously. 

‘It’s not safe for you to stay here. Gather your people and keep them at a safe distance from this house. Transferring magic is dangerous, Taeyong. His white power will try to resist, I don’t know what might happen.’ I warn, and he looks at me with those innocent, wide eyes then nods quickly. 

Moving away from the wall on slightly shaky legs, he finally gathers the strength in himself, his eyes narrow in concentration. ‘Jaehyun! Get everyone. We need to move away from here.’ Taeyong runs up to a boy with blue streaks in his otherwise light brown hair, droplets of water like spring rain that’s frozen in time woven into his magic aura. 

The boy nods confidently at his leader’s orders. I watch after them for a moment until they disappear around a corner wondering what it would be like to belong to a group, to have support in others. It’s not my destiny to know.

I turn around facing the door and come in slowly. The window by the boy’s bed is letting in yellow afternoon light into the room. From the moment I walk in I smell the magic that has possessed his entire small form. 

Taeyong said nobody knew what has happened to him except he got sick after a trip to the forest to gather herbs and was getting progressively worse each day. The whole space reeks of dark magic. I recognise it – Nakamoto Yuta. A particularly malicious and hateful wizard amongst my kind in this side of the land. The young boy must have unknowingly entered the forest that belongs to the said Dark Wizard by the mountains, west from here. 

I look down at him, standing close to his bed. His features are so soft, so incredibly prince-like. If one didn’t know better, looking from afar they would think he’s just peacefully asleep but upon a closer examination his porcelain skin is turning blue, there are droplets of sweat at his temples like morning dew on rose petals. 

The unique magic aura is weak, barely a thread of the lightest green envelops him; tiny leaves and white lily petals intertwined against the fading colour. Even so feeble and faint, it’s still so beautiful.

His body is strong, is fighting but even such powerful Healer’s strength has its limits. I touch his forehead and it’s unnaturally cold, the warmth that comes with his light magic, all gone. The boy’s - Kun’s, I remind myself – eyelashes flutter at my touch but he doesn’t have the energy to open his eyes. When I listen closely, his breaths are short, forced, his lungs desperate for air, desperate to hold onto the fragile shreds of life still left in him. 

I tear my eyes away from him finally, turning to the table with the equipment that’s been prepared. I take off my long black robes and push the sleeves of my loose top up to my elbows. 

I grab a small piece of cotton fabric and wet it with the water in the bowl where different herbs have been soaking to create a natural anaesthetic. I press the cloth to Kun’s inner arm carefully, waiting a moment for it to work. With a small blade in my hand I lean over the bed.

‘I hope you’re ready for this.’ I whisper but he probably can’t hear me anyway. I take a deep breath and press the cold blade to his skin, adding pressure, sliding the sharp edge slowly down until it cuts deep enough and white blood, shiny almost like melted silver, appears. 

Suddenly the light in the room dies. I look to the window to see dark clouds seemingly out of nowhere covering the sky. I shift my eyes back to Kun; cleaning the blade in my hands with a new cloth from the table; I quickly press it to my own skin and soon black blood like tears of a devil appear against my fair complexion. 

The wound on the inner side of my right hand burns. I'm biting my lip to keep quiet and move to the bed swiftly; careful not to look at the young Healer, not to feel anything, not to turn away from what needs to be done like a coward, I press my open palm down hard, gripping his forearm mixing my cursed blood with his. 

A deafening thunder resonates outside - in the darkness of the night that has come much too early - as if the earth is being ripped open with the bare hands of God. Lightning brighter than any light I’ve ever witnessed follows when our powers meet. I shut my eyes instinctively, not letting go of the other, pressing harder, almost hearing the screams of my magic panicking, trying to escape his and his trying to free itself from the suffocating power of mine.

I hold onto the metal hospital bed with my free left hand tightly when our powers still fight against one another, clashing, burning like fire, two strong pulses dancing around one another under my hand. 

The glass in the window shutters loudly, sharp pieces flying into the room and landing on the floor noisily. Another thunder, louder than the first one and I almost scream at the pain in my ears. I feel Kun wriggling underneath me and then his piercing scream, his magic voicing itself, protecting itself, refusing to accept my magic into its own bloodstream. 

He’s stronger than I thought. 

With the last of my energy, I grit my teeth and will my body to accept his power as part of itself and force his to accept mine. I grow weaker by the second, my knees dropping to the hard floor but with relief I notice he is growing weaker too, our powers calming down, beating now under my palm rather than fighting, like two erratic loud hearts. 

I squint my eyes, the vision blurry. Navy clouds and darkness that has overtaken the sky are disappearing and it becomes lighter in the room again. I ease the grip on Kun’s arm, my eyes opening fully and adjusting to the sight, everything becoming clearer. I’m still kneeling on the floor, pressed to the side of the bed. Without thinking I rest my heavy head on the boy’s blanket covered chest. Kun’s body feels warm through the fabric, hot even compared to the coldness I felt before. 

In the silence I hear his deep, broken breaths, greedy lungs gasping for air. I smile into the soft white blanket. It worked. Our blood has merged. 

He’ll live. 

I turn my head to look at him, too tired to move away from resting on him. He’s looking at me too, confused. I see his eyes for the first time and they’re soft brown, a little lighter than Taeyong’s and they match his golden-brown hair. There’s light in them, a little dimmed down but still there, shining through the darkness I’ve brought upon him. 

‘W-what happened?’ He asks but my heart beats like it’s gone crazy in my chest, almost drowns out his soft voice.

I try to desperately remember everything I’ve read about Blood Merging, but I don’t recall anything about heart palpitations or strange warmth spreading in the chest. Then again, this has only ever been done once in the history of the land as far as I’ve read and there isn’t much on the subject. 

‘You’re okay.’ I breathe out the words. Our eyes remain locked on one another. ‘You’re okay.’ I smile a little, exhausted, everything in my body buzzing, adjusting to the change. 

I close my eyes again, satisfied with just listening to his increasingly deeper and calmer breaths. The arm under my hand is warm too and the wounds have closed, no remainder left as if nothing happened, not even a scar. Yet nothing is the same it was.

I feel shy, delicate fingers weaving into my straight black hair and it feels strange and tingly at first but then calming when Kun begins to brush through them gently. I glance at him, surprised. 

‘Thank you.’ He whispers, smiling. 

Only then I look closer at his aura, more prominent and visible now. Healthy and strong. The green mist surrounding him is brighter, the leaves and petals almost like a painting in watercolour but my smile falls when I shift my attention to the small, black raven feathers accented with gold now added to his magic aura forever. I hate it. It ruins the otherwise delicate and beautiful sight. 

Kun notices the change in my expression and looks at me with worry and confusion. ‘I’ve poisoned you.’ I spit out bitterly, starting to feel cold and empty again. 

He moves his hand from my hair to my cheek, stroking softly. 'You saved me.'

I just breathe slowly, not knowing what to reply. Forgetting all words, overwhelmed by everything that's happened and everything he's said.

‘There are white lilies among the black feathers in your aura. I’ve never seen anything like it.’ Kun adds in pure wonder.

And I smile again. I’ve never smiled this much in my life, but it feels good. It feels like the corners of my mouth lift almost effortlessly, on their own.

I get up finally, slowly to distract myself from those unfamiliar feelings. I dip a new cloth in water to clean the dried-up blood from our arms. There are glass shards everywhere, I’m being careful around them. My magic is jumping within me, demanding to be used; to get rid of the mess with one short spell but I resist it. Long years of pushing it down has made it a habit. Yet despite the passing years, it remains strong, the innate desire to destroy bubbling softly at the surface of my dark soul.

There are pieces of glass that has gotten into the bowl and I don’t notice them when I put my hands inside. I hiss in pain and the clear water in the bowl blackens. 

‘What’s wrong?’ 

‘A cut. There’s broken glass everywhere.’ I hold up my hand, black covering my fingers, blood flowing down to my wrist. It cut deep. I look to Kun who’s sitting up in the bed now, frowning.

‘Come here.’ He holds out his hand to me and I step closer. 

The Healer takes my hand in both of his; it’s messy, blood dripping to the floor and on the pristine white blankets covering him but he doesn’t seem to care. He looks like he’s done that many times before and he definitely has. He’s a Healer after all. However, I’m pretty sure he’s never done it to a Dark Wizard before. 

The warmth of his smaller hands around mine is pleasant, the pain stops as soon as he closes his eyes and mumbles an almost inaudible spell under his breath. 

I pull my hand away and he opens his eyes looking at me for a long time. I break the contact regretfully and carefully pick up the cloth from the bowl again. I wash his hand gently, cleaning my blood off him as best as I can, and he lets me do it however he doesn’t seem at all bothered being dirty like this. He should be. Our kinds stay away from each other; we’re disguised at the mere sight of one another from a distance. 

At least we should be. 

I move on to cleaning his forearm where the sight of silver and black like melted crayons stains his otherwise perfect skin. 

‘It’s pretty.’ Kun says unexpectedly, watching his own arm with curiosity. Weird feelings stir in my chest at that statement. ‘The contrast of us. Your darkness and my light.’ I glance at him briefly. He’s so beautiful. I’ve seen so many of his kind over the years but none as stunning as him. I lived away from everyone, a loner for choosing a different way, for being neutral – neither good nor bad. 

‘And now you have a piece of me and I have a piece of you.’ Kun adds and our eyes lock again. 

I can’t look away. I don’t know if it’s because of the ritual or not but something is pulling me to him. I suddenly think to myself that I want him close forever, want to protect him now and keep him safe while mere moments ago his life didn’t matter to me. It must be an effect after the Blood Merging. 

I open my mouth to say something but right at that moment the door opens and distressed Taeyong runs into the room. I step away from the bed, cleaning my own bloody hands, rinsing the dirty cloth in black water uselessly. 

‘Did it work?’ The clan leader is breathless, looking from me to Kun, gripping the side of the bed for support. 

I nod, serious and the other breathes a sigh of relief. His eyes narrow on Kun, lifting above his head to his aura. He blinks a couple of times then glances at me, expectantly. 

‘It’s normal. From what I’ve read, that’s how it’s supposed to be.’ Taeyong nods then slowly. 

Kun smiles at his leader. ‘Taeyong, there are my beloved white lilies in his aura.’ 

The oldest of us looks at me for a long moment, his expression softening. He’s watching me curiously like he’s looking at a completely different person altogether. ‘There are indeed.’ 

I look down to the floor, feeling weird. It doesn’t feel uncomfortable being around them. I feel accepted and included somehow; despite the close proximity in the stuffy room their scents aren’t as strong anymore. The sweetness is bearable, hitting me in waves every now and then like scented candles left to burn for a long time in a bedroom with the windows closed. 

I wonder what I smell like to them and if it’s any different now from before but I don’t ask. 

‘Doyoung can I talk to you for a moment outside?’ Taeyong asks. 

On the way out, I make the mistake of looking back and the way Kun’s gaze is fixed on me is making me nervous but nervous in a new way that I never felt before. I guess I'm experiencing some emotions I wasn’t able to before. I’m not used to them and I don’t have a name for them yet either. There will be new things to learn from now on. 

Mine and the young Healer’s life has been connected and I knew there will be changes. I agreed to this. It’s not as scary as I thought it will be. Kun is nice, grateful to me for saving his life and luckily, he doesn’t hate me for changing him. At least not right now and I hope that doesn’t change in the near future. 

‘Doyoung...’ the leader starts hesitantly. ‘Thank you.’ 

It was meant to be. I was meant to save his student from dying and live a different life from now on. It’s not a bad thing in the end. Before it was always so hard to resist the pull of the darkness, the desire to hurt and destroy was strong, so difficult to repress it and stay neutral like I’ve promised myself. I was going against my nature but now it’s a little easier. 

‘You don’t have to say anything.’ I notice even the tone of my voice is changed now.

The coldness that was always in my voice has melted a little. I wonder if he’s noticed it but when I look at the white-haired wizard I see him smiling a little. Of course, he did. He’s always been so perceptive. 

‘You lied to me before. You did it for our people but you did it for yourself too, didn’t you?’ Taeyong asks softly and I’m too tired to deny it or pretend. ‘You wanted to be better? To be good?’ 

I sigh. ‘I didn’t want to hurt anyone ever again.’ My eyes travel down to his left arm before I can stop myself. 

Taeyong lifts his hand to look at the large scar spreading from his delicate wrist up his forearm that I’ve cause many years ago. We were just kids but I suddenly lost control and began to hate myself. Since then I isolated myself from everyone to keep them safe. 

‘At that time, you didn’t yet know how powerful you really are.’ The older speaks softly. ‘You know I forgave you a long time ago.’ 

‘I didn’t yet forgive myself though.’ 

Taeyong reaches out to hold my hand. ‘You should. You were never evil, Doyoung.’ I look down at our joined hands. My skin used to be pale and with a tint of grey because of the colour of my blood but I notice with curiosity that now it has changed too. It’s whiter, purer, more like Taeyong’s. 

‘Maybe. Maybe one day I will.’ I look to the door to Kun’s room. ‘You know he won’t be the same as before, right? You might need to keep special attention on him. The darkness is a trickster, seducer, it attacks when you least expect it...’ 

‘I’ve thought about it already.’ He takes a deep breath. ‘I spoke to everyone about it and they agree. We think you should live with us and help Kun with all this. So much will be new for him. I don’t think there is anyone better to explain and help him through it.’ 

I open my mouth to protest. It’s not a good idea for so many reasons. I don’t trust myself enough to be around them, I’m better separated from everyone. ‘No, Taeyong, I -’

‘Doyoung, please.’ He’s always had that look. When he asked for something, it was so hard to say no. ‘Just for a couple of weeks at least. Then you can leave.’ 

I think of Kun. If I was to leave now I would already miss him. As if I could leave after a few weeks just like that. There is something in my chest that needs him, whispers his name over and over again like broken record. A certain sweet melody you don’t mind hearing again and again.

‘Fine.’ I sigh.

Taeyong squeezes my hand lightly and lets it go. We re-enter the room and Kun is standing in the middle of the floor in his long white sleeping gown, worry in his eyes. 

‘I feel weird.’ He expresses slowly. ‘I think you both should leave.’ He backs away into the corner, his breathing quick and shallow. 

‘No...’ I mutter under my breath and approach him immediately instead of leaving. ‘It’s okay Kun, you can fight it, you can make it go away.’ 

‘What is this? I never felt like this before.’ He bites his lip, closing tired eyes and resting his head on the wall behind him. 

‘Anger, hate, darkness...’ I put my hands on his shoulders. ‘Just breathe, I’m here.’ 

The other shakes a little and I notice Taeyong standing few feet away, unsure. I signal to him to stay there and he obeys, worry written on his face. 

‘Breathe. Think about the good things in your life. Everything you appreciate and like.’ I keep talking and he breathes a bit deeper. Soon he begins to feel visibly a little better. I know exactly how he feels.

Exhausted, his shoulders drop and a deep sigh leaves his pink lips. I support his weight steadily. Suddenly he wraps his arms around my neck and presses close to me. His warmth overwhelms me, his scent envelops everything around us. It feels right somehow, so I put my hands on his back and keep him grounded and safe. 

‘I’ve got you. It’ll be okay.’ I whisper and he rests his head on my shoulder comfortable, his breaths tickle my neck. I’ve never been this close to anyone and I don’t hate it and I want to stay like this longer. 

I glance briefly to Taeyong, who’s standing there with an unreadable expression. He locks his eyes with mine. ‘You’re staying here. I will have Jaehyun prepare you a room.’

I nod acceptingly and run a comforting hand up and down Kun’s back until his breaths even out completely. 


	2. Part 2 (last)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .

It should be comfortable to be around Kun – he has so much trust and belief in me like I can do no wrong – but it’s not always so. The thought that he relies this much on me is heavy on my heart. I want to be everything he wants and expects me to be but I’m scared to fail and disappoint him. 

‘ _Why are you so kind and trusting towards me?’ I ask one day, too curious to ignore the thoughts that nag at the back of my mind. ‘I can be dangerous, there is so much evil inside me, Kun. I was born to destroy and kill.’ We walk slowly through the forest to pass time before dinner._

_He sighs. ‘Killing isn’t always wrong.’_

_For a moment I think I heard him wrong but he looks calm and indifferent, looking somewhere into the distance before us. I narrow my eyes at him. ‘What do you mean?’_

_‘When I was a child I had a pet. A puppy.’ He starts his story suddenly and I listen carefully. ‘He was the cutest little creature I’ve ever seen. I cared for him for two years and watched him grow, getting very attached.’ The young Healer smiles somewhat sadly to himself at the memory. ‘One day he got sick and I haven’t even noticed at first. Not until it was too late to save him. M_ _ine_ _or any other Healer’s power wasn’t enough.’_

_In the short pause I whisper_ _uselessly_ _. ‘I’m sorry.’_

_He puts his hands into the pockets of his long green jacket. ‘I couldn’t do anything but watch the animal I loved with all my small heart in so much pain. I knew what_ _c_ _ould end his suffering but my parents refused when I asked them to get a Dark Wizard to help. They said Light Wizards and Humans have no right to kill or help in killing any living thing.’_

_I bite my lip in anger. I never thought of it that way but he’s right. I imagine how hurt and_ _desperate_ _he must have been then. “Killing isn’t always wrong” echoes in my mind._

_‘The dog died after long days of agony. That time I decided killing can be kindness too.’ He looks at me and adds softly. ‘Ability to heal and ability to kill are both natural. Both can be used for good and helping others.’ I see something in his gaze that I can’t really figure out._

_As we continue to walk side by side, the sun starting to set behind the green trees, I feel like I’m getting to know him better. Like I’m learning something about him that not many people know and I’m happy he decided to share the story with me._

_I begin to understand the reasons behind his_ _attitude_ _towards me. The experiences that has_ _led_ _to him looking at me with acceptance and understanding right now._

Unexpectantly Kun’s filling in some empty space in my life I didn’t know I needed filling. I thought I was fine and maybe I really was but there are other feelings that go beyond that; feelings I only now begin to explore. 

_It’s happiness. Like satisfaction but better. Kun explain_ _s_ _one day when I ask for a name. Happiness. I’ve only ever read about it in books but now_ _it_ _ma_ _kes_ _sense. I_ _smile a little, deep in thought._

Kun is doing better than expected with his new-found powers and emotions too. He’s dealing with them better than I am with mine; I sometimes think even though I’m the one who’s here to help him, he’s helping me just as much, if not more. 

Dark thoughts and urges get to him sometimes. He begins to try to hide it from me; he doesn’t come to me for help straight away. Yet I know from the way his smile falls or the way he seems miles away in his head or the way the shine in his eyes disappears suddenly that it’s happening again. I notice that he wants to be strong in front of me for whatever reason. I struggle to find the right words to tell him that he doesn’t have to do that. That in front of me he can expose everything and I’ll never judge him but I stay quiet, putting my hand on his shoulder in comfort as we remain silent until he exhales deeply, relieved. 

Just as evil sometimes claws at his throat, persuading him to give into those feelings and gain pleasure from destroying, from hurting, so does light sometimes seeps into my dark soul and makes everything suddenly brighter, hopeful like I’m seeing the world finally in colour after years of monochrome. 

We share experiences, we both learn to deal with what we were given and days pass by.

Kun gains control over that seed of darkness within him more every day until he feels that it won’t spoil him, until it becomes just a whisper at the back of his mind telling him that it’s there if he ever needs it. 

And I... I have it easier. I don’t try to supress that happiness that sometimes sends warmth spreading through my chest even at such silly things like the sight of a calm lake at dawn. With white magic running through my veins, the darkness feels threatened and dies down until it’s like a distant buzzing, stronger than Kun’s still but bearable now, safe for myself and others around me. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.

Well, maybe not exactly  _all_. I look at Kun who’s organising medicinal herbs we just gathered into neat piles ready for drying to be used in potions. ‘Is that what you always do? I mean, is gathering herbs your job in Taeyong’s clan?’ I ask curiously, tying a string around each bunch of wild flowers and herbs like he’s asked me to. 

Ever since I saved him, all we did was sleep, rest a lot, eat with everyone else and take long walks to pass time, helping each other with our new strengths and weaknesses. 

‘Mainly yes but I also go with other Healers to help sick humans or their animals. I assist Taeil with making healing potions too. I’m just a student still so I can’t do the important jobs by myself yet. Only when I pass the tests I can begin healing serious cases on my own.’ he explains softly, eyes sparkling. 

The way he looks at me, the way he talks to me is different from other people. I noticed that only after I’ve seen him interact with others. He’s kind and polite to everyone but he doesn’t spare them a glance longer than necessary. I get a lot of things from him that others don’t and I’m yet to figure out the reason why. Is it because I saved him? Is it because I’m helping him through a tough time? Is it just gratitude and respect – such unfamiliar concepts to me that I can’t recognize them right away?

I think I would be able to leave it alone, accept it for what it is and just enjoy the pleasant relationship Kun and I have if not for Taeyong. When the three of us are together talking about Kun’s progress or voicing any concerns to the leader, he looks between the two of us with a tiny smile permanently on his lips and a mysterious glint in his deer-like eyes. Like he knows something that we, particularly I, don’t know. 

Sometimes I want to ask him but then I just don’t. I’m scared his answer might complicate that simple, easy air between us. Because I might be new to this light magic and the way things are for them but I’m not stupid. Kun is different around me and I’m afraid that what he feels towards me is more than just gratefulness and friendship. Those thoughts alone send hot waves flowing lazily through my chest.

‘Even now as a student you’re doing important work.’ I say because the way he smiles at me is something I’ve become quickly addicted to seeing in the last few days and I can’t deny myself the pleasure when I have the chance. 

‘Everyone says so too.’ 

‘Everyone is right.’ 

We focus on our jobs in easy silence. I look to the west, where by the tallest mountains of the land stands Yuta’s castle. My eyes fixed on the tall trees of the forest, I scrunch my brows in thought. I turn back to the boy with the golden hair. 

‘Do you usually go to the forest in the west to find herbs?’

He looks up and nods once quickly. ‘Very often. There are many rare species of plants there. The closer you get to the border of the Dark Wizard’s land, the rarer the herbs and therefore the more effective potions the elders can make.’ He sighs and looks down from my eyes. ‘There are even better ones when you cross the border, plants that cannot be found in our territory.’ He explains slightly nervously.

I realise now what has happened. ‘You wanted to get those special herbs, right? You crossed the border and Yuta tried to kill you.’ I say slowly, understanding him.

‘Y-yeah.’ He stutters and his cheeks pale even more like they’re almost illuminating in bright light – the White Healer’s equivalent of human’s blush. ‘I knew people say the wizard is evil and very territorial of his land but I thought maybe it’s not really true. Nobody ever dares to go there so they can’t actually know if it’s not just a rumour. I thought that for a long time but was still too scared to go until...’ he hesitates, clearly meaning what happened few days ago but not wanting to say it out loud. 

He’s so pure and just wanted to help his clan so much that he risked his own life. One thing still remains a mystery to me though. ‘You were too scared to go before, so what changed your mind that day?’ 

‘Well, there is a wizard here older than me, I doubt you met him yet but he’s the nursery teacher here. He sometimes goes to find herbs too when I’m busy with other tasks. Now he doesn’t do that anymore since he’s been so busy with the children and helping Jaehyun and his wife with their new baby too...’ I nod recalling the tiny child squealing in Jaehyun’s arms when the wizard brought him to our evening dinner once. He was radiating happiness. Kun continues. ‘The wizard’s name is Sicheng and he is the only one who has dared to cross the border and came back with the rarest of plants, completely safe. I remembered that story that day when I was in the forest and thought I might be lucky too.’ 

I nod and think of Nakamoto Yuta. We’ve met several times over the years. The intimidating darkness of his eyes and the black, purple and red flames of his aura swaying proudly around him, ready to burn anyone that might dare to come too close. 

All my feeble attempts at negotiations ended in disagreements, Yuta refusing to compromise; he sincerely promised, with a satisfied smirk playing on his lips, to kill each Light soul that comes onto his land uninvited. How did that Sicheng boy survive? 

‘He came back safe, not even a scratch?’ I ask curiously. It goes against everything I’ve ever known about of the other Dark Wizard. 

‘Yeah and he showed the plants to Taeyong and Taeil, so happy and proud of himself but they both got furiously mad. Taeyong said it was a miracle the younger is still alive and forbid him to ever cross again.’ 

I nod, my mind far away. It’s impossible Yuta would not know of a Light Wizard within his borders. It’s definitely not that he didn’t see him...

‘That’s weird.’ I comment, giving up on trying to figure it out. There must be something I’m not aware of. ‘Nakamoto Yuta is pure evil, Kun. I understand that you wanted to help your clan but your life is more important.’ I put my hand on his forearm instinctively, his skin is even warmer than usual now, heated from the yellow sun shining above us. 

He nods again. ‘I know, I was being stupid and reckless.’ He admits in shame. ‘I won’t go near the border ever again, I promise.’ 

I know he won’t. I see in his eyes that he’ll keep that promise and I feel relieved. I don’t know when I begin to stroke at his smooth, fair skin with my thumb as I’m still holding him until he glances down to my hand and I quickly pull it away. 

‘Dinner is soon. We should finish with this quickly and get ready.’ I get up, gathering a few tied up bunches carefully in my hands. My stomach hurts, demanding to be fed. Walking across the huge land half the day works up an appetite. ‘I’m so hungry. What about you?’ 

‘Me too.’ Kun agrees as we begin to walk to Taeil’s workplace to hang up the herbs so they can dry. 

I lie down in my bed after washing, later in the evening. I listen to the rain pour outside, then thunder sounds and I know I won’t be able to sleep. I’ll listen to the noise until I’m too tired to anymore and then finally drift away. The sound of the thunder like something being violently ripped apart and loud rain hitting the roof top is so comforting, it sings a low lullaby to my soul. The raw, ruthless power of nature and the chaos it brings appeals to the darkness within me, calms me down. 

A sudden knock at my door distracts me and I shift my attention from the big window to the door. I get up, press down the handle slowly and pull, squinting at the light that peeks through from the corridor as soon as I open it. 

‘I- I’m so sorry to disturb you...’ Kun begins, stuttering, looking down to the floor. His hair is messy and the long white sleeping t-shirt is reaching almost to his knees. ‘Can I... stay with you for a bit?’ When he looks up, I notice shiny tears in his red-rimmed eyes. 

I pull him into the room gently, saying nothing and closing the door. 

We sit on the bed next to each other and I switch on the small lamp that illuminates the darkness with dim, orange light. ‘What happened?’ I ask carefully. 

‘Nightmare.’ He begins and fresh waterfall of hot tears stream down his cheeks at the word. ‘E-everyone in the clan was dead because of me – and I... I was just standing there surrounded by their d-dead bodies -’ He stutters, sobs escaping his swollen lips. I put my arms around him and tell him to take a deep breath. He does what he’s told and continues in a broken whisper. ‘Everyone was dead, Doyoung. I killed them all and I – I was so proud of myself, in the dream I felt so  _happy_.’ He breaks into a mess in my arms, burying his head in my chest. 

I don’t say anything for a moment. I just hold him, pulling him in even closer and he wraps his arms around my lower back. My navy-blue t-shirt is getting soaked with his tears and I feel so guilty. It’s all my cursed blood and my magic doing this to him. He’s strong enough to fight the pull of darkness during the day when awake, so instead it’s trying to attack him through dreams where he’s vulnerable.

I should have known this might happen.

‘Kun, it’s not who you are. The nightmare was evil trying to persuade you. It’s showing you who you could become if you give in into its madness.’ I explain slowly and he calms down just a little at my words. ‘You would never hurt anyone, we both know that. I know it’s scary to see such visions but it’s just _illusions_  and just like the negative emotions you sometimes feel during the day, you have to resist seeing this too.’ I keep talking knowing my words reassure him and bring him peace. 

I notice he’s not shaking as much anymore. I kiss the top of his head lightly on the spur of the moment, not knowing what else I can do or say to help him. When I pull away, he raises his head slowly from my chest and looks up at me shyly. 

There is trust and believe in those glassy brown eyes that seem more amber-like now in this warm light and I can’t look away. My heart begins to hammer in my chest and all thoughts escape my head. 

I have a sudden urge to kiss him and I’m so scared because I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t want it and I shouldn’t do it. I lean down a little regardless, not breaking the eye contact and he blinks a few times cutely at me realising what is happening. It wakes me up from my daze, I catch myself in time and lean back, dropping my arms from his shoulders and looking down in shame. What am I doing? 

Taeyong brought me here to save the Healer. I’m now staying in his clan to help him and not to... Not to what? I suddenly think of all the years I stayed away from everyone, hiding, supressing any need for social interaction because I told myself it’s better that way, that there is no one willing to even look at me in a friendly way anyway. Then I came here and was met with a boy who from the start has showed me only gratitude, given me his warmth and light despite what I’ve done to him and who I am. 

Is it so wrong to feel happy that I’m needed to someone? Is it so wrong to completely unexpectedly feel instant connection to someone and let them come even closer? Is it so wrong to open my heart to feelings I’ve never imagined I would ever feel? 

Kun takes his arms away from where they’re resting on my back and hooks them around my neck instead. Then he gets up from the bed and moves quickly to sit on my lap. My eyes widen and snap up to his face, surprised at his actions. 

He’s so close now. Closer than ever before. His eyes are still a little red but the tears are no longer there, only a shiny trace left. 

‘Kun... I -’ I begin breathlessly, uselessly because deep down I know I can’t resist that boy. I never could from the start but he doesn’t let me finish my weak protest. 

‘Please, let me. I need you.’ He whispers his eyes glancing down to my slightly parted lips and then back to my eyes. 

Just like that I feel something break down within me. Like the last layer of ice around my heart shattering into tiny pieces that finally melt altogether and disappear. 

Kun leans down slowly, hesitantly still, not yet aware that I’ve already given him my everything. Only when I finally let go of any remaining thoughts and doubts and grab at his sides, feeling his warmth through the flimsy white shirt, pulling him in even closer; only then he closes his eyes and presses his mouth to my awaiting lips. 

I let him kiss me how he wants it, let him feel it at first and get used to the shape of our mouths together and the sensations of what I assume is his first kiss. He locks his plush lips around mine innocently, sucking shyly. I can’t help but smile into the kiss and reciprocate after a few short seconds, unable to hold back any longer. 

I kiss him slowly at first, then I make it faster and rougher; soon he opens his mouth for me and I get to taste him more. The sweetness on my tongue is like honey. It feels kind of electric between us, I move my right hand from his hip to rest it on his thigh, under the soft t-shirt. My and his magic combined within me is tingling in the tips of my fingers that dig a little at his smooth skin. 

Kun’s biting at my bottom lip slightly as he pulls away breathless and I suck in the air between us greedily too, not opening my eyes. Kun only stops for a few seconds before he’s back to kissing me, this time with so much more confidence. I never knew he would kiss like that. I feel overwhelmed, and still wanting more, my heart beating so loud with excitement. 

He moves his hands from my neck then to weave them into my black hair and pull a little and I feel like I’ve died right there as cliché as that sounds. I don’t care, my mind is hazy and he’s so warm and so close. Kun pulls away again, only a little bit, so that our mouths are millimetres apart; he pulls away just to voice the softest moan against my lips and I begin to feel dizzy. 

I don’t want to go too far right now though, no matter how tempting it is. I feel like he wouldn’t even try to stop me if I wanted to but I know it’s not the right time. I move away further from him and watch him open his eyes slowly. His eyelashes cast a pretty shadow on his pale cheeks in the orange light. 

‘Do you want me to go back to my room?’ The golden-haired boy asks hesitantly, so polite even now; he’s trying to read my face and something so protective and possessive stirs in me. The thought of him alone and sad in his bed or looking for comfort in someone else’s arms angers me. 

‘You’re not going anywhere tonight.’ I state strongly, staring into his eyes. 

He smiles, trying to hide how happy and relieved he is to hear those words. I smile a little too and lean down to place a sweet, last kiss at his forehead. 

*Bonus*

We sit on the green grass, under a bunch of tall oaks. The sun is hot and burning but in the shadow it’s just perfect. We soon lay down next to each other in comfortable silence. 

‘I think there won’t be a problem with you staying here forever.’ Kun voices out loud suddenly. ‘I’m sure Taeyong wouldn’t mind.’

I roll my head to the side to look at him, his eyes are closed and the corners of his lips curved upwards. ‘Forever? You’re sure you want a boring me around for that long?’ I ask lightly. 

‘Yes.’ He answers without hesitation. He opens his beautiful eyes at me. Kun seems like he wants to say something else but can’t quite find the words. 

I reach out my hand and link our fingers. ‘What is it?’ 

‘Remember when I told you the story about how I ended up entering into Yuta’s forest?’ I nod shortly, curious. ‘There is something else... I mean I kind of told you a lie then.’ I wait for him to continue, growing confused and worried. ‘I said I went to get those herbs and thought I might be as lucky as Sicheng to come back safe but it’s not true. I wouldn’t ever be  _that_ irresponsible and reckless to go against Taeyong’s strict orders for some plants for potions. I had a different reason to go there.’ He looks embarrassed and shy. 

I don’t understand why he felt like it was better to lie to me before. Whatever the reason, he should know I won’t judge him for anything. I sigh. ‘Why couldn’t you tell me the truth from the start?’ 

He bites his lip and pales on his face until his cheeks are almost glowing. ‘It’s just... Back then I simply couldn’t tell you.’ 

I squeeze his hand that’s resting comfortably in mine. I encourage him patiently. ‘What was the real reason?’ I don’t know what to expect so I just wait. 

Kun takes a deep breath. ‘You.’ 

Amongst all the possibilities I could think of, this wasn’t one of them. ‘Me?’ I ask confused. My heart begins to beat faster in anticipation.

‘I suppose I should start from the beginning.’ Kun moves to lay on his side facing me, one arm under his head. ‘When I first got here I went to the food market with Jaehyun. That’s where I first saw you. There were a few Dark Wizards there, so I was used to feeling their opposing magic in the air, but in the crowd, I suddenly felt a wave of something stronger hit me, something like dark magic but also subdued, so low, mixed with something different, almost familiar to me yet completely foreign. I can’t explain it.’ I listen to him explain everything, imagining it from his point of view. Why amongst others did I seem different to him?

‘I turned to my side and you were passing by. I saw your face clearly but you were looking straight ahead, stern look on your face. Other people were staring at you too in hatred or interest and I... I was looking in awe. Something so powerful yet so controlled was radiating off you and I thought you were the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen in my life, dressed in all black yet to me you seemed to glow somehow. The black and gold feathers of your aura matched you perfectly I thought. I couldn’t stop looking.’ He watches for my reaction but I just nod with a small smile and listen with curious eyes. 

‘Once I went to the market with Sicheng and asked him for your name. He told it to me and explained who you were as much as he knew. Then I sometimes overheard Taeyong talk about you with so much respect. What I heard about you from others and the brief glances at the market or elsewhere were enough. Before I knew it, I was falling for you.’ I look away from his eyes when everything begins to make so much sense. The way he looked at me right after I saved him – like he’s known me all this time, like he was waiting to see me. 

Kun sighs and continues. ‘And it was fine to me that you don’t know about my existence, I thought you wouldn’t ever be interested with someone like me anyway. It was enough that I could see you sometimes all mysterious and admire you from afar.’ 

I try to remember if I’ve ever seen him before but my mind is blank. I think I would have remembered him. I always tried not to look at other people and stay away from them in public places. I’m sure the first time I’ve seen his face was in the hospital room. 

‘I would intentionally go close to your house when I went to pick herbs hoping I would be lucky to see you there. I knew you wouldn’t notice me as there are a lot of Light Healers around but I still instinctively went there every time. Then for a long time I didn’t see you and overheard Taeyong mentioning that you moved away, possibly to another land.’ Kun recalls, scrunching his brows. He’s right. I moved away to a place where people don’t know me, having had enough of their baseless accusations and hateful stares. 

‘I missed you so much it hurt. I heard some people gossip that you’re now living somewhere to the west, even further behind Yuta’s forest. That was the reason.’ Kun stares into my eyes again. I see the honesty there and I subconsciously hold my breath waiting for what’s next. ‘I wanted - needed to find you. I missed you too much and wasn’t thinking clearly.’ 

It’s new and so, so pleasant to realise someone has loved you and missed you. Even though I had no idea, there was someone happy to see me, admiring me from afar, too shy to say a word. If I knew I wouldn’t move away any time soon. 

‘And you found me. Almost died but found me.’ I feel lightheaded, warm inside. For the first time in my life the darkness within me feels lighter somehow. 

‘I did.’ He looks like he’s close to tears so I put my hand on his cheek in comfort like he did to me in the hospital after he woke up. ‘It’s almost like destiny.’ 

‘It’s completely like destiny.’ I reply and we just smile at each other, unaware of anything around us. 

I glance up at the black, shiny with gold feathers amongst the green leaves and white lilies in his aura and I love it. He’s mine, I’m his and everyone can see it too. 

I guess I wasn’t meant to be alone in the end. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I don't know. I was thinking if i should post this or not  
> but here it is. I'm not too happy with the ending but   
> otherwise it's alright i guess. Let me know what you think.   
> Thank you! xx


End file.
